David Mendonca
Herald News
News Story Draft 1
Pats Pummel the Titans!
FOXBORO- Bill Belichick is a pure genius in bad weather. He is now 10-1 in games under 34 degrees, and 11-0 in Foxboro when it snows. The scene in Foxboro was picture perfect with the temperature at exactly 34 degrees in a snow covered Gillette Stadium. The New England Patriots (4-2) beat the Tennessee Titans (0-6) 59-0in the largest blowout in the franchises history. Also, all questions about the ability of Tom Brady this season have now been silenced. After posting 6 touchdown passes, 5 in the second quarter, 380 passing yards and a perfect passer rating. The Pats scored 45 points in the first half alone, and 35 in the second quarter. The 45 points in the first half is an NFL record and the 59 points is the most scored in a game since 2003.
On the flipside the Titans had their worst game in years. Quarterback Kerry Collins was 2-12 for completing passes, and had -7 passing yards. The numbers do not show everything however. There were numerous catchable balls that were dropped; it just so happens nobody keeps track of dropped balls. The young pass defense was picked apart, and at times they had no idea what play was being ran it seemed. Running Back Chris Johnson was the lone bright spot for the un-mighty Titans.
This morning I caught up with Ryan Laroche, a college student at Bridgewater State College, who was in attendance at the game. I asked him what his favorite part of the game was. He said, “Laurence Maroney started the scoring with a sweet 45 yard run for a touchdown. It seems like he hasn’t done something productive in forever, so that was nice to see.” Following that I asked if it was worth staying in the cold windy, wet snow. He said “I would do anything to see the Patriots perform like they did today, it was simply amazing.”
Post write
I feel that my first draft was successful in getting the basic information across, however I don’t think my angle is clear, and I need to find a way to put in more detail and information without making it too long.
Also I’m not sure if it is written like a news story or not, I can’t tell. I know that I tried to make it feel like you are looking at a news article but I do not know if I was successful in how I wrote it.
Questions I have for the reader are:
-Is there an angle in this paper?
-Does it sound like a news story?
-Should I add more information and detail?
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
ReplyDeleteMy partner had to write news article about anything they wanted and my partner chose to write about the New England Patriots game against the Tennessee Titans. He wrote about how the patriots beat the Titans 59-0. He included information about the Pats amazing game and the titans awful game.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
I think my partner did do a great job in writing this paper he used great detail such as, “The New England Patriots (4-2) beat the Tennessee Titans (0-6) 59-0in the largest blowout in the franchises history.” He used great detail in showing just how big of a game this was. He also used great comparison in comparing the Patriots and the Titans.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
I think the only part of the essay that needs more work is with the source because it wasn’t an actual team player or the coach commenting the emotion of the win for the team isn’t really there.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
Why did you pick the Patriots winning?
What does the win mean to you as a fan?
Add just a little more detail.
Reviewer’s Name Brandon Raposo
ReplyDeleteDate: 9/20/09
Partner’s Name David
News story
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
The assignment is asking my partner to write a news story for a newspaper that covers any subject that goes along with the five guidelines given.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
My partner has met the expectations and here is a sentence from the article. “The scene in Foxboro was picture perfect with the temperature at exactly 34 degrees in a snow covered Gillette Stadium. The New England Patriots (4-2) beat the Tennessee Titans (0-6) 59-0 in the largest blowout in the franchises history“. my favorite part of the article, it paints a good picture for the readers.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
-Don’t go so much into scores.
-Paint more of a picture for the reader. You can do this through out the whole paper and not just one or two parts.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
Would you describe that as the best they have ever played since you like the team?
Did you have a passion for this sport?
One way to improve the draft would be just to not get too in depth with the scores and just get a little more creative.