David Mendonca
Application essay
What is motivating you to attend Massachusetts Maritime Academy?
The Mass Maritime Academy is a college that will put me on track to achieve my ambitions. I am thinking of a future in the United States Armed Forces, and it appears that the Academy will help me to decide how I want to go about this. I also know that attending the Academy will prepare me for an excellent career with whichever major I decide to pursue, because of their job placement program.
When I was 11 years old, I spent a week in Washington, Maryland with a family friend. His name was Colonel Bruce Wescott, who worked at the Pentagon. Spending that week with Colonel Prescott changed my life. During the 9/11 strikes he was at work in the building, and his office was destroyed by the attack. During the attack he managed to save ten co-workers who were too hurt to get themselves out. He was then given a medal and he even got to meet the president. Listening to him talk about his job and career experiences left me with the utmost respect for him and the armed services. I never felt such honor as when I walked and talked with him. I knew at that time I somehow wanted to have that sort of a life.
My family and I started visiting college campuses last summer, and I came to the conclusion that I was interested in a military school atmosphere more than the “ordinary” college. While Mass Maritime is not a military school, the environment seems to be exactly what I am interested in. The discipline and regiment of the school will help me pursue my goals and give me an experience of a lifetime. The Academy is a place where I believe I can develop and enhance my personal attributes so I too can achieve the honor and respect such as Colonel Wescott. Mass Maritime Academy is a perfect fit for me; please give me a chance to achieve my career goals by accepting me at the Academy.
Post Write
After writing my second draft I felt that the transitions were a bit more smooth and you can understand where the paper is going.
What I am missing now is a little more evidence as to why I want to attend MMA.
Questions I have for readers are: Do you think the transitions work? Would you say the question was answered correctly?
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Hi David:
ReplyDeleteYou start very nicely. Your first paragraph sets just the right theme and tone, it seems to me.
The anecdote involving the Colonel is moving and effective. Of course, some might question how the experience of a military man and your decision to enter a non-military school have in common. You do anticipate that question and do a pretty good job of answering. Still, perhaps you could add something else that the college provides and that links with the Colonel's experience more directly (serving one's country, perhaps?).
Talk Back, okay?
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ReplyDeleteI definitely understand what your saying. my point wasn't to emphasize the non military part. Although it is not technically a military school there is still a two week boot camp prior to orientation, daily dorm inspections and you have the opportunity to join any branch of the military with a slight higher rank than if you were to just enlist, but still a lower rank than a real military school.
ReplyDeleteThis is something i probably should have included in my paper now that i have read it with your perspective, and i will definitely make another draft with that all included.