David Mendonca
Application essay
What is motivating you to attend Massachusetts Maritime Academy?
The Mass Maritime Academy is a college that will put me on track to achieve my ambitions. I am thinking of a future in the United States Armed Forces, and it appears that the Academy will help me to decide how I want to go about this. I also know that attending the Academy will prepare me for an excellent career with whichever major I decide to pursue.
When I was 11 years old, I spent a week in Washington, Maryland with a family friend. His name was Colonel Bruce Wescott, who worked at the Pentagon. Spending that week with Colonel Prescott changed my life. During the 9/11 strikes he was at work in the building, and his office was destroyed by the attack. During the attack he managed to save ten co-workers who were too hurt to get themselves out. He was then given a medal and he even got to meet the president. Listening to him talk about his job and career experiences left me with the utmost respect for him and the armed services. I never felt such honor as when I walked and talked with him. I knew at that time I somehow wanted to be like him.
My family and I started visiting college campuses last summer, and I came to the conclusion that I was interested in a military school atmosphere more than the “ordinary” college. While Mass Maritime is not a military school, the environment seems to be exactly what I am interested in. The discipline and regiment of the school will help me pursue my goals and give me an experience of a lifetime. The Academy is a place where I believe I can develop and enhance my personal attributes so I too can achieve the honor and respect such as Colonel Wescott. Mass Maritime Academy is a perfect fit for me; please give me a chance to achieve my career goals by accepting me at the Academy.
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Reviewer’s Name: Katie Bento___________________________
ReplyDeleteDate: ____10/07/09________________________________________________
Partner’s Name and Title of Paper Reviewed:__David Mendonca______________
In your own words, fully and with precision, describe what the assignment is asking the writer (your partner) to do? Please use your own words rather than merely quote from the assignment.
For this assignment the writer was to write an essay of application to a college or University, and put your personality into and make it personal. In this case David wrote about what is motivating him to want to attend Massachusetts Maritime Academy.
To what extent has your partner met the expectations of the assignment? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what works well there. Again, try to use your own words.
I think that David did a great job on this piece, he told a personal story that connected into what he wanted to do and why he wants to go to Massachusetts Maritime Academy. “I never felt such honor as when I walked and talked with him. I knew at that time I somehow wanted to be like him.” This is an example how David made his story personal and made it connect to what he wants to do at the Academy.
What area needs more work? Why? Please pick a passage as illustration and describe what isn’t working.
I think that the first paragraph could use a little more detail as to how will the academy help him decide which career path he wants to take in the military. Also what military careers have you looked into.
Please indicate TWO questions about the draft and at least ONE suggestion for ways to improve it.
What military careers have you considered?
Other than Colonel Bruce Wescott what other reasons do you want to join the military?
Suggestion: add more to the first paragraph and the piece will be great.
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