Draft 2
I believe in not living in regret. Living in regret can cause you to feel sorry for yourself, and eventually you could lose sight of your goals in life. When you have no goals or dreams your life can be affected in many negative ways. For example, your job school and your family would all be affected.
About 2 years ago hockey was everything in my life. All I ever wanted to do when I was a kid is play ice hockey. I would play year round with no more than a couple of weeks off a year. At the end of my sophomore year a few friends convinced me to play baseball during the summer, just for fun. During a baseball practice in mid-June, I ran over a small hole in the grass and tore two ligaments in my knee. I then needed surgery to replace them both. The rehab period was six months, and for four of them I couldn’t walk without a bulky brace on my leg. The rehab was long and tiring but I made it worse by not taking it too serious. The only thing I ever thought about was what if I decided to not play baseball that year. After my rehab I stopped working out, and stopped playing sports all together. As a result I missed the entire ice hockey season my junior year. Watching the games was hard to do knowing I could be helping the team. So I decided to work out that summer and play some recreation hockey, so I could try and play my senior year.
The hard work paid off I played my whole senior year, but I was never as good as I was before my injury. That didn’t matter to me. I was just happy to be playing. As a result I realized that hockey was not as important as I made it out to be. It was just a game. If I had just regretted playing baseball I would not have been able to play my final season. Now I can focus on more important things.
Post write
I feel that my second draft includes a little more information than my first one. There mere a few gaps i had left in the first draft that were explained a bit more here. Still, it seems a bit weak to me when i read it.
Now i need to find a better way to explaiin why i believe what i believe, and possibly find another way to relate my belief. The paper should also be a bit longer.
Questions i would have for the reader are:
1. Do you understand my belief?
2. Do you understand why i belive in not living in regret?
3. Do you think i should use another example?
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Hi David:
ReplyDeleteYour belief is clearly stated: you believe in not giving into regrets. That much is clear.
But your narrative seems less about regrets and more about your being able to play hockey again, despite the obstacles. Remember that this assignment, also, asks you to show the belief being tested or formed in some way. Do you show either happening? I'm not so sure. What do you think?
point of view? remember that this paper is about you, i.e. "I."? can cause you
need adverb form? taking it too serious
puncutation (not a comma, however)? The hard work paid off I played my whole senior year
Thank you for your feedback. I believe you are trying to get the point across that i never answered the question correctly. it was asking me to describe a belief i had, instead it was about me playing hockey again. After reading my paper again, i agree with you. I could do much more to show how my belief was tested.
ReplyDeleteI also noticed my point of view was not correct, but i didnt notice until we read it during the workshop, That is one of the things that were mentioned.
In future assignments i believe i will be able to use better examles to explain my belief, or argument. Also i will look over my paper a few times before turning it in to check for things like punctuation and point of view.