Post Write
After writing my first draft I thought it came out better than I thought it would while I was writing it. I thought the story was appropriate for the question and it was explained fairly well.
There are a few thing missing. There is not enough detail in the body of the essay. Specifically: the story. You get the idea of it but you wonder, how he saved his ten co-workers, or where was he in the building when the plane hit. Also I should make the introduction a little clearer, and a bit longer.
Questions I have for readers are: Do you think the story works with the question well? Would you say the introduction or the conclusion needs some work? Overall, how was the flow, if any?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Application Essay
David Mendonca
Application essay
What is motivating you to attend Massachusetts Maritime Academy?
The Mass Maritime Academy is a college that will put me on track to achieve my ambitions. I am thinking of a future in the United States Armed Forces, and it appears that the Academy will help me to decide how I want to go about this. I also know that attending the Academy will prepare me for an excellent career with whichever major I decide to pursue.
When I was 11 years old, I spent a week in Washington, Maryland with a family friend. His name was Colonel Bruce Wescott, who worked at the Pentagon. Spending that week with Colonel Prescott changed my life. During the 9/11 strikes he was at work in the building, and his office was destroyed by the attack. During the attack he managed to save ten co-workers who were too hurt to get themselves out. He was then given a medal and he even got to meet the president. Listening to him talk about his job and career experiences left me with the utmost respect for him and the armed services. I never felt such honor as when I walked and talked with him. I knew at that time I somehow wanted to be like him.
My family and I started visiting college campuses last summer, and I came to the conclusion that I was interested in a military school atmosphere more than the “ordinary” college. While Mass Maritime is not a military school, the environment seems to be exactly what I am interested in. The discipline and regiment of the school will help me pursue my goals and give me an experience of a lifetime. The Academy is a place where I believe I can develop and enhance my personal attributes so I too can achieve the honor and respect such as Colonel Wescott. Mass Maritime Academy is a perfect fit for me; please give me a chance to achieve my career goals by accepting me at the Academy.
Application essay
What is motivating you to attend Massachusetts Maritime Academy?
The Mass Maritime Academy is a college that will put me on track to achieve my ambitions. I am thinking of a future in the United States Armed Forces, and it appears that the Academy will help me to decide how I want to go about this. I also know that attending the Academy will prepare me for an excellent career with whichever major I decide to pursue.
When I was 11 years old, I spent a week in Washington, Maryland with a family friend. His name was Colonel Bruce Wescott, who worked at the Pentagon. Spending that week with Colonel Prescott changed my life. During the 9/11 strikes he was at work in the building, and his office was destroyed by the attack. During the attack he managed to save ten co-workers who were too hurt to get themselves out. He was then given a medal and he even got to meet the president. Listening to him talk about his job and career experiences left me with the utmost respect for him and the armed services. I never felt such honor as when I walked and talked with him. I knew at that time I somehow wanted to be like him.
My family and I started visiting college campuses last summer, and I came to the conclusion that I was interested in a military school atmosphere more than the “ordinary” college. While Mass Maritime is not a military school, the environment seems to be exactly what I am interested in. The discipline and regiment of the school will help me pursue my goals and give me an experience of a lifetime. The Academy is a place where I believe I can develop and enhance my personal attributes so I too can achieve the honor and respect such as Colonel Wescott. Mass Maritime Academy is a perfect fit for me; please give me a chance to achieve my career goals by accepting me at the Academy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
"This I Believe"
Draft 2
I believe in not living in regret. Living in regret can cause you to feel sorry for yourself, and eventually you could lose sight of your goals in life. When you have no goals or dreams your life can be affected in many negative ways. For example, your job school and your family would all be affected.
About 2 years ago hockey was everything in my life. All I ever wanted to do when I was a kid is play ice hockey. I would play year round with no more than a couple of weeks off a year. At the end of my sophomore year a few friends convinced me to play baseball during the summer, just for fun. During a baseball practice in mid-June, I ran over a small hole in the grass and tore two ligaments in my knee. I then needed surgery to replace them both. The rehab period was six months, and for four of them I couldn’t walk without a bulky brace on my leg. The rehab was long and tiring but I made it worse by not taking it too serious. The only thing I ever thought about was what if I decided to not play baseball that year. After my rehab I stopped working out, and stopped playing sports all together. As a result I missed the entire ice hockey season my junior year. Watching the games was hard to do knowing I could be helping the team. So I decided to work out that summer and play some recreation hockey, so I could try and play my senior year.
The hard work paid off I played my whole senior year, but I was never as good as I was before my injury. That didn’t matter to me. I was just happy to be playing. As a result I realized that hockey was not as important as I made it out to be. It was just a game. If I had just regretted playing baseball I would not have been able to play my final season. Now I can focus on more important things.
Post write
I feel that my second draft includes a little more information than my first one. There mere a few gaps i had left in the first draft that were explained a bit more here. Still, it seems a bit weak to me when i read it.
Now i need to find a better way to explaiin why i believe what i believe, and possibly find another way to relate my belief. The paper should also be a bit longer.
Questions i would have for the reader are:
1. Do you understand my belief?
2. Do you understand why i belive in not living in regret?
3. Do you think i should use another example?
I believe in not living in regret. Living in regret can cause you to feel sorry for yourself, and eventually you could lose sight of your goals in life. When you have no goals or dreams your life can be affected in many negative ways. For example, your job school and your family would all be affected.
About 2 years ago hockey was everything in my life. All I ever wanted to do when I was a kid is play ice hockey. I would play year round with no more than a couple of weeks off a year. At the end of my sophomore year a few friends convinced me to play baseball during the summer, just for fun. During a baseball practice in mid-June, I ran over a small hole in the grass and tore two ligaments in my knee. I then needed surgery to replace them both. The rehab period was six months, and for four of them I couldn’t walk without a bulky brace on my leg. The rehab was long and tiring but I made it worse by not taking it too serious. The only thing I ever thought about was what if I decided to not play baseball that year. After my rehab I stopped working out, and stopped playing sports all together. As a result I missed the entire ice hockey season my junior year. Watching the games was hard to do knowing I could be helping the team. So I decided to work out that summer and play some recreation hockey, so I could try and play my senior year.
The hard work paid off I played my whole senior year, but I was never as good as I was before my injury. That didn’t matter to me. I was just happy to be playing. As a result I realized that hockey was not as important as I made it out to be. It was just a game. If I had just regretted playing baseball I would not have been able to play my final season. Now I can focus on more important things.
Post write
I feel that my second draft includes a little more information than my first one. There mere a few gaps i had left in the first draft that were explained a bit more here. Still, it seems a bit weak to me when i read it.
Now i need to find a better way to explaiin why i believe what i believe, and possibly find another way to relate my belief. The paper should also be a bit longer.
Questions i would have for the reader are:
1. Do you understand my belief?
2. Do you understand why i belive in not living in regret?
3. Do you think i should use another example?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"This I Believe" Assignment number one
Draft 1
I believe in not living in regret. Living in regret can cause you to feel sorry for yourself, and eventually you could lose sight of your goals in life. When you have no goals or dreams your life can be affected in many negative ways. For example, your job school and your family would all be affected.
About 2 years ago hockey was everything in my life. All I ever wanted to do when I was a kid is play ice hockey. I would play year round with no more than a couple of weeks off a year. At the end of my sophomore year a few friends convinced me to play baseball during the summer, just for fun. During a baseball practice in mid-June I tore two ligaments in my knee, and had surgery to replace them both. The rehab period was six months, and for four of them I couldn’t walk without a bulky brace on my leg. The only thing I ever thought about was what if I decided to not play baseball that year. After my rehab I stopped working out, and stopped playing sports all together. As a result I missed the entire ice hockey season my junior year. Watching the games was hard to do knowing I could be helping the team. So I decided to work out that summer and play some recreation hockey, so I could try and play my senior year.
The hard work paid off I played my whole senior year, but I was never as good as I was before my injury. That didn’t matter to me. I was just happy to be playing. As a result I realized that hockey was not as important as I made it out to be. It was just a game. If I had just regretted playing baseball I would go nowhere in life. Now I can focus on going to school and hopefully getting a good job.
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